Monday brings the Apocalypse.
This is not fake news. I got this from a very reliable source, the internet.
Actually it’s just a total solar eclipse, which we haven’t seen since 1979.
According to the internet and social media, Oregon will be decimated with unheard of traffic jams, cats and dogs living together and general mayhem. In other words, the malls at Christmas.
It’s just a natural phenomenon, folks. But the word on the street is people will be flooding certain parts of Oregon, paying stupid amounts of money to park their RV in your driveway for a few days just to catch a glimpse of the eclipse, preferably with proper vision protection.
Imagine paying $300 for a night of sleeping in a campground next to 75 of your closest friends, all sharing a port-a-potty and showers that put out enough force to tear off skin. That is, if you don’t mind waiting for an hour to use it.
Don’t forget the local merchants, either. They will be glad to sell you a bundle of firewood for $22.50, a six-pack of beer for $18 and a campground corn dog for $9. It will be a price gouger’s fiesta.
At least, corporate America can’t get its claws into this money. I’d hate to see a banner, “2017 Solar Eclipse sponsored by Budweiser,” draped across the entrance to John Day or Unity, Oregon.
Maybe corporate America could make money on this, even if the eclipse, depending on where you are, is only going to last a few minutes at best.
I hope everyone stays safe, and maybe kids and adults can learn something from this debacle. And I’m sure, like Y2K, that it is much ado about nothing.
I was born and raised in the Willamette Valley, one of the prime viewing locations. And after all these years growing up in Oregon, the odds of it being clear enough to see anything is probably 50-50.
So enjoy a phenomenon that only comes around here every 40 years or so. Don’t look directly into the sun without proper eye protection. Make sure you check out my website that sells my special eyewear that will probably protect your eyes. Only $29.99. I bought 10,000 of these and still have 9,999 left.
If nothing else, they will make a great Christmas gift.
Todd Nuttman is a regular contributor to the Kent Reporter.