Fairly Spiritual: Googling and Tweeting Curious George

I thought I’d write a column about all the random stuff I’ve been thinking about this month.

I thought I’d write a column about all the random stuff I’ve been thinking about this month.

I don’t think Curious George was curious. I think George was a very intellectually limited monkey. By labeling him curious, the man with the yellow hat was being irresponsible. I guess Dumb George isn’t the best title for a children’s book, but it would have been a more accurate title.

Seriously, someone should have intervened: “Hey, buddy, you can’t keep leaving that monkey alone. I don’t know how else to tell you this, but your monkey is not curious, he’s just extremely stupid … and while we’re at it, what’s the deal with the monkey smuggling?”

It frustrates me that so many phone decisions require a choice between the star and the pound keys. It seems as if the star key and pound key have no other function other than to determine our next automated phone decision. Why can’t we just phase in a yes and no button? To be honest, off the top of my head, I still don’t know what the pound key looks like. I just know that it is not the star key. One of these days my dyslexic brain is going to mess this one up. “Hey Doug, why did you enlist in the Navy?

“Well, that’s a good question. The short answer is I pushed the star key by mistake. Now, help me figure out how to launch this torpedo. The directions say we are supposed to push the button next to the ampersand.”

The “Biggest Loser” is the only show on television that transforms both the contestants and the audience. At the beginning of the show I think, “Man, those people have really let themselves go.” By the end of the season I think, “Man, I’ve really let myself go.” Why do I feel like the biggest loser by the season finale?

I’ve never really learned to spell the word narcissist … I just don’t see how that knowledge would serve my interests.

People often say that if you think you’re crazy, you are really not crazy. The logic goes that crazy people don’t know they are crazy. I think this is something people might tell crazy people to keep them from freaking out.

‘Sorry, Jimmy’

I love it when a business pretends to be socially responsible by donating $100 dollars to the local children’s hospital every time someone on the local pro baseball team hits a home run. Seems like twisted logic to me. “I’m sorry Jimmy, we can’t afford your surgery because the M’s are in a slump. Maybe next year we’ll trade for some power in the middle of the lineup. But look on the bright side, they sent over some Ichiro bobble heads.”

I cannot imagine that God, nor any evolutionary process, ever intended for man to use their thumbs to type. My fat thumbs were not meant to answer your unwillingness to give me a call. Texting is a crime against opposable thumbs.

Technology will not save us. In the future, every item we own will need to be charged. We will charge our phones, cars, razors, toothbrushes, combs, books and wallets. I’m sure this is going to work real well. “Hey, who unplugged the car to charge their toothbrush?”

Right now, every other person at Starbucks has some sort of technological gadget plugged into the wall. Fast forward 50 years and walk into a Starbucks. The base of the wall will be lined with electrical sockets. Unfortunately, we’ll all be too old and fat to bend down and plug anything in. “Excuse me, sonny, could you plug in my iOrthopedic Pad?”

And is anyone else upset with the words we are forced to use on a daily basis? Googling, Tweeting and blogging on our iPads about the latest Wii games. We’ve lost all human dignity. I can just imagine trying to make my ancestors use the word Google on a daily basis.

“See that rake over there. You are going to call it a Twitter now.” They’d just stare at us or hit us over the head with the rake and watch as we Twittered on the ground.

Oh, one more thing. Could you do me a big favor? On the day after Thanksgiving, please do anything other than shop. Stare at the wall, go on a hike with your kids, build a house of cards, volunteer at a homeless shelter, watch reruns of “Flipper”, but please don’t usher in the celebration of our Lord’s birth fighting over a limited number of discounted plasma screens. You aren’t going to follow my advice, but you’ve been warned.

Now back to more important matters.

“Live from Seattle with Doug Bursch” can be heard 4-6 p.m. weekdays on KGNW 820 AM. Bursch also pastors Evergreen Foursquare Church. Evergreen meets at 10 a.m. Sundays at 2407 M St. SE next to Pioneer Elementary School. He can be reached at www.fairlyspiritual.org or doug@fairlyspiritual.org.